12 – Being famous – worked for Whoopi Goldberg, Julie Andrews, Madonna, etc.
11 – Playing for Chelsea – worked for Frank Lampard.
10 – Posting your manuscript through J.K. Rowling’s front door. She probably has a bin under the letter box flap. Or a paper-loving dog. Or an island retreat somewhere else less rainy than Scotland.
9 – Asking your best mate’s friend’s aunt’s mother’s cousin’s sister in law to ask her best mate’s friend’s aunt’s mother’s cousin’s sister in law if she would like to publish your book. She won’t. You’re virtually related.
8 – Slipping a copy of your manuscript into Richard And Judy’s shopping trolley. It’ll just get eaten.
7 – Nominating yourself for a Nobel Prize in Literature in the hope it will get you noticed. According to Wikipedia, ‘Each year the Swedish Academy sends out requests for nominations of candidates for the Nobel Prize in Literature. Members of the Academy, members of literature academies and societies, professors of literature and language, former Nobel literature laureates, and the presidents of writers’ organizations are all allowed to nominate a candidate. However, it is not permitted to nominate oneself.’
6 – Be an ex-Royal and write tales about a helicopter. Too late. Been done.
5 – Get a good seat at the Commonwealth Games/Olympics and wave your homemade cover at the camera when Chris Hoy goes past.
4 – Streak at the World Cup with your first chapter tattooed on your bottom. Not a bad way to get noticed but it depends on how big your bum is.
3 – Write your book on a pinhead and get it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Already been done.
2 – Invent a really dreadful personal illness/childhood and write some dreadful Misery Lit that will get Grannies crying dreadfully. Actually that’s not a bad idea.
1 – Write a funny, sunny kids’ e-book and put it on Amazon – worth a try.